It has been a wild ride since Sunday morning.
I broke my not taking a pregnancy test early streak and took one Sunday morning. And I shall never do that again. There was a reason I was so strong every other round. When the test showed up negative I had the exact thoughts I knew I would have which were that it was too early and maybe it was wrong. But at the same time I grieved. I didn't tell anyone, even Thomas until later that day (and he says I can't keep a secret) and didn't even tell else until the nurse when I went in for my blood work this morning.
I hadn't really felt pregnant, but then of course my mind played lots of tricks on me both convincing myself I was and I wasn't. As we waited around today it was a beautiful day with lots of friends reaching out and loving on me. God definitely knew I needed people even before I asked Him.
So when we got the call this afternoon that the blood work was indeed negative it wasn't really a surprise.
And as I sit here in the aftermath, I don't know how to feel. I am bummed that these 2 little that were gifted to us were not given life. I hurt for the couple that gave them to us, for Thomas who is so disappointed and for all of you who are cheering us on and loving on us. But for myself? I don't really feel devastated like I was all the other rounds, but I think it is because those 3 littles that are a mile away give me such hope. Because I know God has a great plan for them because of the story He has given them. And because I know that this is just God saying not yet. And they still symbolize hope to me.
And we all know my personality. I am sure it will catch up to me soon and I will cry and be sad for a moment, but right now? I have already created a calendar to see when we can do our round again. Which by the way we do not need to wait a month like IVF rounds. We can just jump right back on the wagon and try again next month! So yes, I will eventually grieve and probably over this Thanksgiving weekend while we eat food, remember all the amazing things we have to be thankful for, and get lots of things around the house done. But until then, I am holding to the hope that I get to do another round pain free, and I get the hope of 3 littles that Jesus has given me.
And really?! Who doesn't want triplets right?! :)
So even though we got a negative test today, I just want to say this.
I am thankful for all of you who love us and loved on me the past few days with your kind words.
I am thankful that I have Thomas and that man has such a tender heart and loves me so deeply.
I am thankful that we have these 3 beautiful little embryos and get to try again next month.
I am thankful for the Gyft clinic and how much their staff love on us.
And I am so thankful that Jesus has shown me the depths of who He is in this adventure.
And that He always knows what I need before I ask Him.
Happy thanksgiving my friends.
Seriously thankful for you.