Friday, August 14, 2015

Clinging to Our Hope in the Brokenness

The day after we found out Round 4 didn't work, a friend asked me if I would write a post on brokenness as a guest blogger for her blog Cypress and Fern

So I did.
And for those of you who didn't read it there, you can read it here.

Brokenness is....
....sitting in church on Sunday morning, surrounded by godly women who love you, two days after you found out round 4 of In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) did not work, holding a 10 week old twin baby girl Emma, the day before it was the due date of the twins I miscarried, silently sobbing while singing,

Over the past 4 years my husband and I have walked the infertility road, and the time of most brokenness has definitely been over the last year as we have gone through 4 rounds of IVF. In each round, brokenness looked very different.

Round 1, the thought never crossed my mind that it wouldn't work for us. And I was devastated when it didn't. Oh so broken. And in the broken He reminded me that it was OK and to cling to Him. That is where He wanted me.

Then Round 2, we got those precious words, "You are pregnant!" It was absolutely a beautiful and weird time. After 3 years and we were pregnant. I didn't know how to react other then pure confused joy. Well 2 weeks later we found out we were having identical twins. But it was overshadowed because I had started to bleed the day before which really freaked us out. A week later when they told us that one and then both of them stopped breathing, it deflated us. And there we were again. In the brokenness. And once again He held on to us as we walked through both the physical and emotional process of  losing what we wanted so badly. But in the brokenness, He reminded us that we have hope. We now know we can get pregnant!

So we excitedly jumped into Round 3. During my first days of bed rest after the procedure to implant those little embryos, fear hit me full force. I had no idea if I could survive finding out that another round did not work. As I was sitting there, Jesus gently reminded me through my bible study, that He had me. That there was nothing to fear. That He would walk with me in the depths of fear and brokenness and that if I would just abide, be still, and cling to him that I would be at complete peace.

After Round 3 did not work and we decided to go forth on Round 4, the brokenness came once again when we heard those dreaded words, "Not pregnant." There is something so terribly hard about all the hope being dashed in seconds. And yet such peace knowing that we can cling to His promises. And I definitely clung to this verse as a reminder. Ephesians 3:20 "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."

And days later, we still have no idea what we are going to do next or where God will lead us in our adventure, but I do know this. That I would not trade a second of our story. I would not do any of this time over again. The depth of my relationship with my Abba, with my husband, with my family, and my friends has been deepened. And God has used our brokenness time and time again. God being able to shine through our brokenness is the beauty of believing.

My favorite part of brokenness is that it is not just about being in the pit and in the hard. Brokenness is allowing our Abba Father to give us the hope, and the peace, and the beautiful joy that comes with giving everything to Him. With allowing Him to walk with us and love on us in the brokenness.

And although brokenness is bawling in bed later that Sunday night, it is also laying there with your raw heart being offered to our Lord, and feeling like you are wrapped in the comfort of our Abba Father's arms, in the biggest bear hug you could ever imagine filled with the peace, hope, and sweet joy that can only come from Him being with you in the brokenness.

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