We Got the Results This Afternoon

It has been a wild ride since Sunday morning. 

I broke my not taking a pregnancy test early streak and took one Sunday morning. And I shall never do that again. There was a reason I was so strong every other round. When the test showed up negative I had the exact thoughts I knew I would have which were that it was too early and maybe it was wrong. But at the same time I grieved. I didn't tell anyone, even Thomas until later that day (and he says I can't keep a secret) and didn't even tell else until the nurse when I went in for my blood work this morning. 

I hadn't really felt pregnant, but then of course my mind played lots of tricks on me both convincing myself I was and I wasn't. As we waited around today it was a beautiful day with lots of friends reaching out and loving on me. God definitely knew I needed people even before I asked Him.

So when we got the call this afternoon that the blood work was indeed negative it wasn't really a surprise. 

And as I sit here in the aftermath, I don't know how to feel. I am bummed that these 2 little that were gifted to us were not given life. I hurt for the couple that gave them to us, for Thomas who is so disappointed and for all of you who are cheering us on and loving on us. But for myself? I don't really feel devastated like I was all the other rounds, but I think it is because those 3 littles that are a mile away give me such hope. Because I know God has a great plan for them because of the story He has given them. And because I know that this is just God saying not yet. And they still symbolize hope to me. 

And we all know my personality. I am sure it will catch up to me soon and I will cry and be sad for a moment, but right now? I have already created a calendar to see when we can do our round again. Which by the way we do not need to wait a month like IVF rounds. We can just jump right back on the wagon and try again next month! So yes, I will eventually grieve and probably over this Thanksgiving weekend while we eat food, remember all the amazing things we have to be thankful for, and get lots of things around the house done. But until then, I am holding to the hope that I get to do another round pain free, and I get the hope of 3 littles that Jesus has given me. 

And really?! Who doesn't want triplets right?! :) 

So even though we got a negative test today, I just want to say this.

I am thankful for all of you who love us and loved on me the past few days with your kind words.

I am thankful that I have Thomas and that man has such a tender heart and loves me so deeply. 

I am thankful that we have these 3 beautiful little embryos and get to try again next month.

I am thankful for the Gyft clinic and how much their staff love on us.

And I am so thankful that Jesus has shown me the depths of who He is in this adventure.

And that He always knows what I need before I ask Him.

Happy thanksgiving my friends. 

Seriously thankful for you.

The Crazy Emotions

As the time approaches where we learn if this FET cycle worked or not, my emotions are all over the place. Naturally I blame the estrogen, because I am normally not crazy. Or so I think.

So here is where my brain (and the estrogen) has taken me....

If this round does work and we get 2, oh crap. I could have 5 babies. FIVE! Ah!

Logic tells me that God won't give me more then I can handle. 

If this round does work and we get 1, seriously God?! You think I can only handle 1 kid?!

Logic tells me that God knows my prideful heart and will cut it down.

If this round doesn't work, so now there is something wrong with my body that it won't even accept 2 perfect little embryos?!

Logic tells me that even in perfect circumstances, it is only a 25-30% chance per perfect embryo for them to implant.

All in all, I say these hormones have thrown me on the crazy ride! 

But I have taken it one day at a time (actually the time has flown by) and I know regardless of what happens this round, that we have 3 more beautiful little embryos waiting to be given a chance at life. And God is good and He knows the perfect family that He has for us in His perfect timing.

Let me say that again so you all know the truth that I know.
God is good and knows our perfect family and when it will be perfect timing.

And no, I am not trying to convince myself of this. I know it is truth and I cling to it because this wild adventure He has given Thomas and I has been just that. Wild. And I have gone deeper with Him then I have ever imagined and seen the depths of His love. And I walk in the truth thankful, oh so thankful that I can cling to Jesus no matter what. 

And here are the beautiful things that have spoken to me in the time of waiting.
Thank you Pinterest.

I am just so thankful for His promises.

Amen.

TRANSFER DAY!!!

I find it fitting that this is my 100th post on The Invention of Tiny Toes blog. 

The day that we have the privileged of walking forward in faith toward a new type of family with our beautiful adopted embryos.

A day where we get to create a new family, a perfect for us family, a different family. 

And I love it!

Ok, here are all the details from our appointment this morning.

This is us on the way, in the waiting room, in the back room, and the moment the embryos were transferred on the ultrasound screen.

The process before we got there was all pretty simple. Jeff had thawed 2 embryos.
And they are beautiful.
There is no fragmentation and there was no degeneration from being frozen.

Let me introduce you to my embryos.

How he does that, is he takes them quickly out of the little vile where they have been living for the past 6.5 years and puts them straight into the first solution for 1 minute.

These 2 littles spent the last 6.5 years here on the little black tip right below the white. Do you see it? Absolutely crazy to think about!

Then into the next solution for 3 minutes.

Then into the final solution for 5 minutes. 

Then they go into a petri dish where he uses a solution to "hatch" them. 

You can see the faint circle around the cells. He uses a solution to break through that zona so that they have a better chance to attach to my uterine lining. 

These little buddies were frozen about 20 minutes before they were transferred into my uterus. Wow.

Jeff said that they were like a little deflated balloon and that in my uterus they should already be pushing out of the blastocele. 

 After they transferred them and waited 1 minute to make sure they floated away from the catheter, then just like in an IVF round, they empty my bladder so I can lay on the bed for an hour. Jeff came in some of that time to show us the DVD with these little embryos.

I also asked him lots of questions about the process of freezing and about the solutions needed to thaw out the embryos.

I also decided to break my traditional mode of not buying any baby clothes until after I knew I was prego for my IVF cycles and decided to just go for it with this FET cycle!

So I got 2 of each.
Can't wait to use these!

What's next?
Welp I keep taking 4 mg of estrodial every 6 hours. So every time the clock strikes 4 or 10, I am taking a pill. You are welcome now when you see the clock and think of me.

And Thomas still gives me a shot in the rear of progesterone.

And now we wait until the pregnancy blood test!
Yay!!!

That is all I got.
Happy Saturday you all!

We Officially Adopted Our Embryos!

Insert stunned silence here.

I have been wanting to get my thoughts down about my heart on adopting, but I don't really know where to start. I know that everyone's stories are different, but I think it always boils down to what God's story is for each of us and our road to get there.

I know in my heart of hearts that I have always loved the idea of adopting some day. 

I also know that embryo adoption has from the get go, always been something that has been our "next step" if IVF wasn't God's plan for expanding our family. What I hadn't anticipated, was the beautiful story God had been weaving for us and this other couple who has selflessly given us the ability to parent. And I hadn't anticipated how seamlessly we would roll from a round of IVF to Embryo Adoption.

The thing is, I always imagined that when we went down the embryo adoption route, that would mean having our own biological kids would be completely ruled out. Thomas so gently reminded me that God is a big God, and just because we are pursuing this, doesn't mean that we couldn't do a round of IVF after we bring all these little embryos into the world. And that completely changed my heart. Mainly, knowing it was not a closed door gave me the peace to move forward with this adoption.

And honestly, I am now at a place where if we never have our own biological kids, I am 100% ok with that. I know that being pregnant and then holding the wee one(s) in my arms will make it all very real (as will the lack of sleep I imagine). And I can guarantee that when they are in my arms, I will know that these littles are the ones God create for Thomas and I to parent. Because I already know it in my heart now.

I was created for this.
To adopt.
He created me, knowing we would adopt.
Still floors me.

I love a good story. And God has created my life intertwined with Thomas's to be an incredible story. A story of hope, of letting go, of peace, and of being given the most incredible gift. Of allowing our family to expand through this. Adoption.

I, We have adopted
Thomas and I.
We are responsible for these 5 embryos.
They are ours.
Stunningly beautiful.

When we decided to move onto embryo adoption, to me it was just another step to bringing home a baby. It was right. Smooth and painless. It wasn't until a friend mentioned me in a line of a few other women who have or are going through the process of adopting, that it stopped me in my steps.
I am adopting.

And I don't really know how to process that, because it is just right. It is how it is supposed to be and how our story is written. And I love it and wouldn't change it. And honestly my brain is having a hard time wrapping itself around the fact that we are adopting, because it just feels normal.

And of course I already have 5 littles sitting a mile away just waiting for me.
To be their Momma.
And that helps.Oh warm squishies!

Thank you Jesus for being so much bigger then my small brain. For creating a beautiful story. For caring for Thomas and I as we want to fill our home. For caring for these littles who get to become a part of our family.
So thankful.

And as much as this has been our life for the past year, I am so thankful that in spite of it all, Thomas and I have a beautiful life and our problem isn't really a problem compared to most people.

So so thankful for my life and the hope of our little family expanding in this beautiful way.

The Differences between IVF and FET for Me.

 It has been a fascinating change going from IVF rounds to this first FET round. And as I have been walsking through it, I thought I would share how different the rounds have been for me. 

Physically
Whew! This has been the easiest part! I have loved being able to skate through this round feeling physically fit and when Saturday rolls around, I won't still be healing from the egg retrieval! I haven't felt a ton of impact physically from the shots or the estrogen. A few twinges now that I am up to 4 mg 4 times a day with the estrogen and now my rear is feeling the sting of the larger needles and more progesterone from the shots. But honestly, I feel GOOD!

Emotionally
And for the hardest part.... the winner is..... the stinking emotions. Man! When you are filling your body chock full of none normal hormones, it makes a HUGE difference! From Wednesday of last week until Saturday, the 5 day window kicked my rear! It was definitely the most "emotional" Thomas has ever seen me. The good thing was that we knew why I was reacting the way I was and I knew to keep my mouth shut!

We have been talking through my reactions so that he understands, but I still get the "your crazy" look from him often. :) And he knows he cannot blame all my reactions on the hormones. And neither can I!

I can say that with pregnancy and post baby hormones in the future, this is a great chance for us to learn to talk through things in a way we never have! Because quite frankly, I am pretty even keel and Thomas knows it! My favorite story from the weekend was when I told Thomas he had another year of my wonky emotions, the look on his face was priceless! And when I told him he should be happy because most women are way more emotional then me, he responded that if I had been that way originally he wouldn't have looked twice at me! And of course I don't blame him because neither of us like drama. So it works.

Mentally
And this has been the easiest most relaxing part! I know it is hard to imagine, but not having to cheer on my body to produce the perfect number of follicles/eggs, cheer on Thomas's body to produce good swimmers, and then cheer on those little embryos that Jeff put together.... serious lack of strain. The last 2.5 weeks and the few remaining days we have, have been so calm. We are incredibly excited to have 5 of the best embryos both in having the highest scores and being frozen in the blastocyst stage on Day 6, which is the absolutely best an embryo can be frozen at.

The excitement and hope that comes from knowing we are basically passing time until my body is in the right place to take these little embryos and for them to stick on Saturday! I just cannot wait! There is no fear, no worry, not even a little anxiety. I know that God has His hands on which littles Jeff will choose to thaw out on Sat morning, even which additional ones if for some reason the first ones he chooses are not viable and growing.

HOPE is an amazing thing my friends!!!
And I can't wait to see my miracles.

Day 14 - Our Equivalent to Extraction Day!

We are finally here!

14 days after my cycle started, and if we we're doing an IVF round, this would have been the day that we extracted my eggs and Thomas' swimmers. 

Instead we have 5 beautiful littles just waiting there for us and Thomas and I will be pain free for the next few days.

So, here is what happens this time round with the FET.

I continue on with my baby aspirin.

I continue on with the estrogen every 6 hours, but now I am doing 4 mg every 6 hours instead of the 2 mg, 4 mg, 2 mg, 4 mg cycle I was doing the last 3 days since they increased it on Friday.

I stop the Lupron shot in my stomach.

I start the Progesterone shot in my rear.

I start taking the prednisone pill 3 times a day for the next 5 days. I had forgotten why I take prednisone and it is because it is an anti-inflammatory, but it also suppresses the immune system, which we want so that my body won't attack those littles that we will be transferring in. 

And this means that Saturday is the day! 

Nov14th at 10 am, we will be adventuring in to start our family.

There is no procedure really that I have to do that day other then having a full bladder so that when they insert the catheter to transplant the embryos, they can see where they are putting them. 

My uterine lining looks great measuring 14.02 mm. They wanted over 12mm, so I am right on track!

You can see the lining which looks like lips between the 2 blue little plus signs.

Here are all 4 of my ultrasounds. 2 of the uterus and 1 of each ovary. My ovaries are nice and quiet which is what we want for FETs. 

Prayers:

Again, just that God would give Jeff the wisdom with which ones to thaw out and how many. We have had conversations with him, but we trust him implicitly and can't wait to find out what our number is on Saturday morning! It will be as much of a surprise for us as it will be for you! 

Here's to another Kucera Adventure!

Day 9 and Day 11 Updates

So I have discovered how very different IVF is to a FET. 

There is just not the same crazy excitement of cheering my body on to make those little follicles grow! However, there is a peace about knowing that those 5 little are just hanging out waiting to be loved on! They are as far along as they can be grown out of the womb. 

Day 9

I apologize for not getting this out on wed. Time got away from me.

The ultrasounds went perfect. Charlene told me that my uterus looked beautiful. It was nice and layered and was measuring at 9.32 mm. Eventually I would need to get to 12 mm, but I had plenty of time until next Monday.

Also for my bloodwork, we just needed my number to be above 100 to make sure that my body was absorbing the estrogen that I was taking. She did say that because of how well my uterine lining looked, that she could tell I was absorbing it. 

Well between the half carton of raspberries I have been eating and the cup of pomegranate juice I have been drinking every day it had better be good! 

Well, there is the fact that we also upped my 2 mg pill of estrodial every 12 hours to every 6 hours on Wednesday.

Still doing the 5 units of Lupron every day too!

Day 11

OK, now for today's news.

I went in for the ultrasound and Mary didn't say much, but when she went back to talk to Charlene, apparently the numbers were not matching up with how think my uterine lining was. So I went back in and they re-did the ultrasound. And thank goodness because the second one showed that my lining was nice and thick at 11.62 mm! This means that it is already thick enough and I am good for my transfer a week from sat! Yay!!!

Also I asked about the estrodial number from the bloodwork and It was at 128! So being over 100, I again am good to go for the transfer.

And my estrogen tablet was increased so now every other pill intake time every 6 hours, I have to double the pills to 4 mg. Sorry Thomas if I get crazy!

I have 1 more appointment on Monday and then we will be ready to go!

 This one is for you Suzy!

And finally, I just wanted to give a shout out to this lady.

She was one of my very first friends here in WA, but she is also one of those people who God just lined up to be in my path for this infertility journey that was so needed. Her story has encouraged me in a million ways and I am so thankful for every second I have spent with her and her sweet, sassy spirit. And when you nanny for a woman with a 4 year old, twin 1 year olds, and a 4 month old? You spend a lot of time together. 

Catch you up with the next update on Monday!